It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
well you can't waste a boner
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
