I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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