textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
