dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
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