i want to swaddle you in tequila
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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