How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
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Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
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