if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
