wakey wakey hands off snakey
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
