Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
