this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Boobs are out for the taking
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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