Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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