I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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