how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
