did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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