I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
