Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I think your dad took our porno
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
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