She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
