I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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