So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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