can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
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Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
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Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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