I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
