Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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