The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
