Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
