I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
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I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
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i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
So vagazzling was a success
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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