I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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