In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
