dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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