In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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