that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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