You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
