the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
