i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
