Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
