Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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