Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
