just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
