the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
