sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
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Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
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Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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