So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
