i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
