he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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