Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
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