oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
