Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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