she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
My ass is underappreciated
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
