GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
