Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I need water and some morals
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
