I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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