He asked to "fluff my boner.."
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.