My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Randomize
