I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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