sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
