Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.