I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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