i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
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I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
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do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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