I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
