im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
